Author: sandybarker

New Year’s Absolutions 2013

sandybarker

Two years ago, I wrote a post exonerating myself from the resolutions I would typically expect myself to make at the start of a new year. For some reason I skipped this step at the start of this 2012, but as we approach 2013, I revisit the idea of absolving myself of things that are fruitless or frustrating pursuits.

I hereby absolve myself of the following:

  1. Watching anything that has a hobbit in it. When the first trilogy came out, I was dating an awful man and I pathetically pretended to like the films to please him. Now I am with a wonderful man who doesn’t expect me to like everything he does.  Hobbits just bug me. They’re so, well, hobbity.
  2. Hoarding (just in case). As we are about to move internationally, we must pare back to the essentials. For a start, some things are cheaper to replace than to ship overseas. Plus, Australian Customs will charge you $150 to clean or destroy a $15 chopping board, so I am becoming less attached to things. We will be giving away a lot of things that I love – like our beautiful coffee tree – but when all is said and done, they are just things. Most important is that we are moving as a family (2 adults, 1 cat).
  3. Having a spotless home. I need to hold myself to this one. Our home is typically neat, tidy and fairly clean. There are times, however, when I need to be less fastidious and more focused on more important pursuits, like writing, visiting with friends, taking care of my health, keeping in contact with loved ones overseas, being helpful, and being a loving partner.
  4. Being (overly) prepared. I plan ahead. I make lists and I plan. I need to plan ahead, or if someone else is making the plan, at least to know what the plan is. Yes, being prepared can be essential, but sometimes it drives me to distraction (and sleeplessness – see my last post). I want to find an equilibrium.  Somewhere between attending to dozens of details so our cat can immigrate to Australia (a process tailored for the detail-oriented) and choosing the type of bed we will buy in three months for our new guest room, is a happy medium.
  5. Being Superwoman. No matter how hard I try – and I try very hard – I cannot do everything. I have no magic lasso, no invisible plane, and no golden cuffs to deflect the bullets. I must ask for help, I must give myself a break, and I must say ‘no’ more often. (I think #3 and #4 go hand-in-hand with this one.)

Just re-tracing my 2011 absolutions, I am thinking of buying a bike when we get to Melbourne. It is relatively flat, with lots of bike trails, and reasonably dry weather when compared with Seattle. Also, I not only finished Chapter 7, I have finished up to Chapter 16 and am still going strong. I no longer absolve myself finishing my book. In fact, it is the number two goal I have for 2013, right after ‘move the family to Melbourne and get settled’.

There’s no place like home

sandybarker

Somewhere in Australia is an HR specialist who has gone on holiday for two weeks. I don’t know this person. In fact, I have never spoken to her, but her holiday is keeping me up at night. You see, she is the person who is responsible for submitting Ben’s work visa application so we can move as a family to Australia. And, she told us the Friday before Christmas that she would do that when she ‘got back from holidays’ on January 7th.

I don’t begrudge this stranger her holidays, but I am pretty sure she doesn’t understand that the delay – holding off until then, rather than ensuring she got it done before she went away – means that we cannot book our flights to Australia, we can’t book the 30-days quarantine for our cat, because we don’t want the 30 days to be up before we can arrive in Australia, and we can’t finalise the date to put our stuff on a ship, because we want to limit the time we spend out of our naked apartment and in a hotel.

To move a family of two adults and one cat from Seattle to Melbourne is quite a feat, and at the moment there are so many unknowns that I run through all the permutations of possible outcomes in my head at 3 am when I wish I was sleeping.  The worries are compounded when I add job hunting overseas, an expiring U.S. visa, international banking and investments, Australian Customs rules and recommendations, house-hunting in a new city, and saying good bye to loved ones in Seattle.

I would love to borrow Dorothy’s ruby slippers for a moment. As someone straddling two homes, I just want to tap my feet together three times and wake up in my (new) home in Melbourne in three months’ time. I know, I know: don’t wish my life away…

 

 

Why I love watching HGTV (and why I don’t blame you if you don’t)

sandybarker

PB

Love-It-or-List-It-David-and-Hillary

 

 

 

 

Earlier this year, I visited an old friend in LA – not that she is old – she is my age and we are certainly not old – we have just known each other for a long time.  She loves HGTV and she had it on in the background throughout much of the time I was there – pretty much whenever we weren’t at Target (but that’s another blog post). Over the three-day weekend I discovered Property Brothers, I discovered House Hunters (including the international variety) and I discovered Love it, or List it. When I returned to Seattle after only a short time away, I surely baffled Ben who had always known me as a Food Network junkie. Sure, I still watched Chopped from the DVR, but any moment I needed to chillax for a spell, I tuned to HGTV instead.

So, what’s the appeal for me?

One: Makeovers!

As Oprah knows, makeovers make television gold. Take someone who has let themself go – or who never really had themself in hand in the first place – and hand them over to the experts for a coat of spit and polish. Voila! Fascinating, heart-warming, inspiring television. HGTV is like that but for homes. I cannot believe what can be accomplished by a television personality and their crew of 40 people in 5 weeks with a budget of $50000! Incredible, beautiful makeovers of previously uninhabitable properties. Amazing! And all edited together in an easily digested package for my viewing pleasure. If I am on a time budget, I will skip the actual making over, and just cringe in horror at the ‘before’ and then exclaim delight in the ‘after’. It is the extremeness of the contrast that tickles me.

Two: Assholes intrigue me

I always wonder what it must be like to be an asshole and then go on TV and show the world how much of an asshole you are. I don’t know why these people intrigue me so much, but perhaps in some odd way I vicariously live through their public assholery. Assholes on HGTV include 20-somethings who stand in cavernous en suite bathrooms with two sinks, enough storage for all their asshole products, a spa bath and a separate shower and say things like, “This isn’t very big, I definitely need a bathroom bigger than this.”

Or, the people who insist that if the house doesn’t have crown molding then they can’t possibly be expected to live there. I hadn’t even heard of crown molding until I started watching HGTV regularly – and I would hazard a guess that the assholes hadn’t either. Assholes also include young-ish people who see a perfectly good kitchen – one less than a decade old – and sigh in disappointment because it doesn’t have a commercial stove or granite counter tops. My uncle has a commercial stove, which he finally got when he was about 55, because he wanted to invest in his culinary pursuits – and it is something he uses every day (he is an awesome amateur chef, by the way).

Three: I learn stuff

I like seeing how people in other parts of the country – and other parts of the world – live. HGTV provides anthropological tutelage; one could even say that they are providing a valuable community service.

Also, I get so many ideas from HGTV. I am not talking about DIY projects. I hate DIY as much as I hate gardening. I am talking about tips on how to style your home. I take pride in having a nicely put-together home and I learn new stuff all the time on HGTV. #1 tip for having a beautiful home? Put your sh*t away. There’s a difference between your stuff – which can be displayed stylishly to make your place feel like a home – and your sh*t. No one wants to see your sh*t – not even your spouse, so put it away.

Sidebar: My dad taught me this one: he and my step-mum each have a drawer where they can put their miscellaneous sh*t. Ben and I have adopted this tip and it works really well for keeping clutter (i.e. each others’ sh*t) out of sight. Items that go in the drawer may include sunglasses, opened mail, unopened mail, coupons, spare keys, an address book, post-its, lip balm, a pocket knife, a silly plastic toy that I won from an arcade game, and so on. Feel free to steal this idea. HGTV should steal this idea. But I digress…

Four: It’s harmless (and often mindless) fun

Our move across the world takes up a considerable amount of brain power. We are dealing with logistics and paperwork and job hunting and price comparisons, so a little bit of mindless entertainment is good these days. Ben has ‘The Big Bang Theory’. I have HGTV.

Disclaimer: Yes I know that a lot of it is faked, or rather,  ‘reconstructed’ for television

I know that the couples featured on House Hunters are not really house-hunting – they have already chosen their property and are simply recreating the search for a television audience. I tend to skip the loosely-scripted discussions and skip right to the tours of the three properties. The show gives a great overview of the lifestyle in that location. Again, anthropological = interesting.

I am also sure that Drew (or Jonathon – I don’t know which one is which) on Property Brothers doesn’t really broker a sale as quickly or easily as he seems to on television. I don’t care. The rest of their show is cool.

So, judge me or don’t; it is my (not-so) guilty pleasure.

Homeward Bound

sandybarker

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our family is on the move. My partner, Ben, is being transferred to Melbourne, Australia early in the new year, and we are packing up and heading down under. For those of you who don’t know, this will be a homecoming for me, as I am an Aussie born and bred. Melbourne, however, will be a new home city for both of us, which is part of its appeal – discovering it together. I will be cheating a little, as I have several friends there I have known for 20+ years; I am very excited about being able to see them on a regular basis.  And Melbourne was named the most livable city in the world for the second year running!

Things I will miss about Seattle:

  • All the people we have come to know and love.
  • Not seeing all the new babies arrive and/or grow up. : (
  • Restaurant month(s). 3 courses for $30 is awesome.
  • Happy Hours – not as popular in Australia (boo).
  • Dogs. Every other person has a dog here – in the city – and I just love their little faces.
  • Mt Ranier, the Sound and other stunning views.
  • Fall leaves.
  • $16 pedicures.
  • Politeness. Even the homeless are polite in Seattle.
  • Customer service. It is really good most places, including the grocery store.
  • Woodhouse winery in Woodinville. So good.
  • Dinner club.

Things I will not miss about living in Seattle:

  • The traffic.
  • The grey.
  • The trash and cigarette butts on the street.

Things I am looking forward to about life in Melbourne:

  • Buying a bike. Melbourne is basically flat and has lots of bike trails.
  • Being close enough for family and friends in other cities to visit on (long) weekends. Aussies are happy to take a cross-country flight to visit someone.
  • Long weekends. There are lots, including two within two months of our arrival – Australia Day long weekend at the end of January and Easter, which is 4 days off at the end of March.
  • Great coffee pretty much everywhere.
  • Drivers who can drive and awesome public transit.
  • Better weather than Seattle. Melbourne is the same latitude as San Francisco, so similar to that.
  • Traveling within Victoria and beyond, especially the wine regions, south-east Asia, Tasmania, New Zealand and the Great Ocean Road.
  • Starting a dinner club.
  • Launching the next phase of my career.
  • The shoe shopping is world-class.

Keep you posted on the departure date…

My Inner Warrior

sandybarker

We started watching The Mindy Project when it began airing this fall. I’m enjoying the fast-paced, self-deprecating humor. And Kaling is clever, sassy and cute, which works well for the style of the show.

In this week’s episode, one of the guys Mindy works with teaches her some prison wisdom; he encourages her to name her inner warrior and call on her whenever Mindy needs to source her inner strength. Later in the episode, we learn the name of Mindy’s inner warrior, Beyonce Pad Thai.

Brilliant!

I immediately wanted to name my inner warrior, pausing the episode to consider what she would be called. In my head she looks like a combination of Zoe from Firefly:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and this warrior woman I found online:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, maybe something like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For those of you who missed that Firefly is awesome, Zoe is kick-ass. She’s cool under pressure, a formidable soldier, and most men are terrified of her, including her husband and her captain. I liked this second image, because firstly, she is fully-clad, which is more than I can say for many of her contemporaries. Also, she is regal, has a sword, which she clearly knows how to use, and she coordinates well with her steed.  The final woman warrior is “…the eponymous Artesia of Dara Dess, a warrior-queen, witch, spirit-walker and former concubine…” (tvtropes.org). That is some kind of resume. I like that she has skills in multiple disciplines, plus she is leading an army of men, which I think speaks volumes for her credentials as a woman warrior.

My inner warrior certainly emerges from time to time. She does not suffer fools, is highly protective of her clan, and can silence the annoying, the dim and the fullhardy with a single look. She can be caustic and seductive, depending on what is called for, and she can paint an arrogant braggart into a metaphorical corner. She values loyalty, hard-work and accountability, and she has great hair and wears a pair of really tall, but comfortable boots.

Taking Mindy’s lead, I tried to add together the name of a long-admired woman and an Asian food. My first attempt was Anniston Kimchi.  Hmm.  Xena Spicy Salmon Roll?  Condoleezza Wasabi. Ooh, I like that!  I am still working on it, but I think I will have to abandon Mindy’s formula. Suggestions are welcome.

The Next Big Thing

sandybarker

I am cheating a little in posting this meme, as I was not tagged by the author who I follow via her blog, Charlotte’s Web, and that is part of the meme’s premise. That said, Charlotte Otter – a South African writer who lives with her family in Germany – has often inspired me to put pen to paper (‘finger to keyboard’ doesn’t quite sound right, does it?). I recommend checking out her blog, and when it is published, her novel. Simply, she is an exceptional writer.

This meme is timely for me, as I just submitted a well-honed draft of my book proposal to Jen and Kerry of the Business of Books for editing. They promise a return of the draft by December 1st and in the meantime I keep chipping away at the novel itself. I have been writing (almost) every day for two months now. Looking back over my calendar, I have only taken four ‘vacation’ days from writing, and I am benefiting greatly from the momentum. As Timothy McSweeney says in his Ultimate Guide to Writing Better Than You Normally Do,  writing is a muscle. I am pleased to say that I am getting some decent mental biceps from the consistent writing. I should note that not everything I write is always literally gold, but that’s what revisions are for.

The idea of this is that a writer puts up a post on his or her own blog answering ten questions about his/her work in progress, and then “tags” other writers to do the same. Then, the writer posts a link to his/her “tagger” and to the people he/she is “tagging” so that readers who are interested can visit those pages and perhaps discover some new authors whose work they’d like to read.

So, here we go…

What is the working title of your book?

All Over the Map. Previous working titles have include The World Ate My Oyster and Desperately Seeking Sarah, but I like this latest one best. And it came about organically while I was discussing the plot with Ben. I said, “She’s all over the map – literally,” and we both paused taking it in. “That should be the title,” he said, simply. And I agree.

Where did the idea come from for this book?

A decade ago I wrote several drafts of a travel biography. One of the people I handed it to was Simonne Michelle-Wells, who said, “This should be a novel. You need to re-write this as fiction.” I resisted for years and then made a half-hearted effort to write it as a novel a couple of years ago. I came back to it with renewed love and determination this year. So, now it is a novel.

What genre does your book fall under?

Contemporary women’s fiction. Some would say ‘chick lit’ which I am not adverse to. It is not a cutesy as quite a lot of chick lit, but it is a novel for and about women.

Which actors do you have in mind to play in the movie of your book?

I have a dear friend in Australia who is an exceptionally talented actress, Lisa Adam, and I have often pictured her as the protagonist, Sarah (who is an Aussie). I think this film would be cast with some fresh faces.

What’s the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

I agree with Charlotte. This is hard.

Sarah, an Australian living in London, is devastated by the end of her seven-year relationship, and seeking a way to get on with her life, takes a job as a Tour Manager leading fellow travelers on tours around Europe.

(serious run-on sentence)

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

I hope to have it represented by an agency, hence the book proposal. There is a lot of merit in considering self-publication and I am studying up on that – just in case.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of the novel?

The first draft of the travel biography, a few months – all hand-written. The first draft of the novel will take longer, as although there is good source material, I am inventing, amalgamating and re-crafting the tone and style. In the past two months I have drafted a third of the novel. This has included three total passes.

Which other books in this genre would you compare to your novel?

Marion Keyes, Maggie Alderson and Jennifer Weiner write novels that I’d like mine to sit next to in the bookstore.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

My own experiences with a break-up, living in London and being a Tour Manager.

What else about your book might pique a reader’s interest?

Humor. I inject humor so as to reflect real life. Stories can’t be all misery, or all joy. Also, I am working especially hard on the characters. I want readers to recognize people they know from their own lives.

Who to tag?

Megs Thompson. I met her at the Whidbey Island Writers’ Retreat. She is dynamic and clever and I love the concept of the novel she is writing.

Simonne Michelle-Wells. I am not sure what Simonne is currently working on – she has been blogging quite a lot lately.

You’re it.

A (writing) contract with myself

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Six weeks ago I enlisted the help of a dear friend and fellow writer, Jen, to hold me to the terms of a contract. I drew the contract up myself – no, I am not suddenly a lawyer – so that I would be accountable for working as a writer. I got this idea from Aimee Bender’s article in Oprah, Why the Best Way to Get Creative Is to Make Some Rules, which  you should really check out if you are a writer, or you want to hold yourself to any sort of disciplined pursuit. Around the same time, I also came across this article in Redbook by Sandy M. Fernandez, Join the Accountability Club.

Both articles give great advice:

  • Set a clear, attainable goal
  • Tell others about it
  • Ask them to hold you accountable for attaining your goal
  • Check in regularly
  • Attain goal

Voila!

So, with these two great minds in mind I created my writing contract, phase one of which concludes today. It goes a little something like this:

Dates: September 17th to October 31st 2012 (1 ½ months)

Conditions:

  • Write every day for minimum of one hour
  • Can include: Book proposal; Book revision/new content; Blog post
  • Permitted: 5 ‘vacation’ days
  • Aim for 12 hours per week
  • Check in with Jen every day via text message: “Done” = completed at least one hour; “Vacation” = took the day off
  • Jen replies “Check” for each message

I am happy to report that I took only 3 vacation days, two of which were while I was actually on vacation in Napa Valley, and the last one was on the day I hosted a dinner party for 25 people.

I am also happy to report that I aimed for an hour a day, but averaged 2.5!

I am further happy to report that writing is now something I now do every day, because I am not only accountable to Jen, but more importantly to myself. As a result, I have completed a total overhaul and re-draft of part one of my novel. I started with a travel (auto)biography and now I have a work of fiction. In home renovation terms, I tore done all the internal walls until I was left with just the foundation and some structural support and completely rebuilt, refurbished and redecorated it.

I am additionally happy to report that I am close to having a dynamic, well-crafted book proposal completed. This will then go out to agents and publishers.

I am lastly happy to report that Jen and her hubby Nate welcomed their baby daughter, Ellie, nearly a week ago. And brilliant as she is, Jen was still my accountability bud while in labor and just after Ellie’s birth – a her own insistence.

Many, many thanks to Jen and to the other writers I  have in my life for your unwavering support and encouragement. Thank you to my non-writer friends and family members who have liked my Facebook updates on the progress, and support my endeavor to finish this novel. And thank you to Ben and Lucy for allowing me to lock myself away for hours at a time.

Nearly there…

We need another song, Helen Reddy

sandybarker

When I was a young woman of 22 I returned to Australia from the United States. Not long after my return I was sat down by the Bishop of my church, the Mormon church, and asked why I wasn’t married yet.

The conversation went something like this:

Bishop: I am concerned that you are not yet married or engaged, and that you haven’t as an alternative applied to go on a mission.

Me: I don’t want to go on a mission.

Bishop: Why not? You are over 21, and you’ve no imminent plans to get married. Do you?

Me: No, I don’t. Actually, I am going to university. I start in February.

Bishop: Why do you want to go to university?

Me: To get a degree, so I can build a career and look after myself.

Bishop: But you don’t need to have a career. Your greatest calling is to be a wife and a mother. If you are not seriously considering going on a mission, I would like you to think more seriously about marriage. I know that you’re dating (he shall remain nameless) and he is a good man, just returned from his mission. He would make a great husband and father.

I was dumb-founded. I excused myself from the meeting and never went back to church again.

I converted to Mormonism after my mother did, when I was nine years old. At the age of 21 I attended BYU in Utah for one semester. There I dated two guys, both of whom proposed after the third date. I declined; I was only 21.

BYU was rather expensive and it was a blessing in disguise when I was essentially forced to leave the U.S. and return to Australia to complete my education there. It was also a blessing in disguise that my Bishop called me into his office that day, as it forced me to play a hand I knew I needed to play. I left the church, and I have not looked back. It was the first time I took a stand against that kind of limited thinking.

To be clear, I have nothing against Mormons or people of any faith for that matter. I do, however, take issue with institutionalized misogyny or anything that remotely resembles it. I also have nothing against motherhood or marriage for that matter, but neither were things that I wanted at the age of 22; I wanted to go to university.

A few weeks ago, along with many of my Australian friends, I ranted about the appallingly disrespectful behavior directed at Australia’s Prime Minister, Julia Gillard. Under the guise of disagreeing with her policies, she has been subjected to systematic and hateful behavior. It culminated in her asking for the resignation of Tony Abbot, leader of the opposition and a man guilty of perpetuating and allowing this behavior by members of his own party. He declined to resign, not surprisingly, but I loudly applauded that she called him out for his hypocrisy when he claimed to be offended by another politician’s behavior.

This past week in the United States, yet another Republican politician has made a highly offensive gaff when addressing the topic of ‘rape and pregnancy’. The list of blatantly stupid and offensive comments about this one topic is horrifyingly long, and even the President is taking the time to address them and labeling them as ridiculous. Tina Fey, respected comedian/actress/writer and all-around super smart woman, took these men to task this past week during an appearance at the Center for Reproductive Rights Inaugural Gala. Great work, Tina.

One of the greatest advocates for controlling reproductive rights for women is Paul Ryan, the Vice-Presidential nominee. He (strongly) supports a bill that would abolish the right to in vitro fertilization. To be clear, if this bill – or any bill like it – is ever passed, in vitro would be illegal. The same bill would require a rape victim who becomes pregnant from the rape to deliver the baby, rather than opt for an abortion.

My thoughts on reproductive rights, let alone other women’s issues, such as economic and professional equality, can be explained by the following flow chart.

‘nough said.

Behind Closed Doors

sandybarker

I was reading an article about marriage in a women’s magazine about a decade ago and there was a quote from Angela Lansbury – yes, that one, the “Murder She Wrote” lady. She said that the secret to a long and happy marriage was a closed bathroom door and that she never let her husband see her put her pantyhose on. Of all the quotes about marriage I have heard over the years, this is the one that sticks with me. What it says to me is, ‘maintain a little mystery, even with the person who knows you better than anyone else.’

I consider this great advice.

Ben is away at the moment for work reasons, so at home it is just me and Lucy, the cat. When Ben is away the bathroom door is typically open when I am, ahem, using the bathroom (as the Americans like to euphemize). Lucy thinks this is grand and seems to think that the times when I am, ahem, using the bathroom, are good moments for her to seek out attention and be told how pretty she is.

When Ben is here, we consider this activity strictly a closed-door activity.  I know that there are couples out there who will disagree, but there are just some things that should remain a mystery. I have slipped a couple of times on the whole pantyhose thing, but every time I am putting on tights, or leggings, or pantyhose and Ben is home, I think of Angela Lansbury and try to do it behind closed doors.

10 Question Meme

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I was looking back over some previous blog posts and I came across this Stolen Meme, which I first posted in March 2008. I had forgotten about the two confessions at the beginning, but in reading them I feel warm affection for my former self. Whenever we watch the Inside the Actor’s Studio, I will ask Ben to give his answers to the 10 questions at the end, and then – of course – I will give him my answers (whether he wants to know or not).

They are quick, so here they are:

  1. What is your favorite word?     bridge
  2. What is your least favorite word?     bitch
  3. What turns you on (creatively, spiritually, emotionally)?     talented people who mentor and share their talent with others
  4. What turns you off?     mediocrity passed off as excellence
  5. What is your favorite curse word?     f*cker (an oldie but a goodie)
  6. What sound do you love?     a cork releasing from a bottle of wine
  7. What sound do you hate?     car alarms
  8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?     baker
  9. What profession would you never want to do?     join the military (I bow down to these men and women)
  10. The (stupid) pearly gates question.     I decline to answer; I don’t like this question.

I also found this 10 question meme:

  1. Describe yourself in seven words     creative, whimsical, clever, loyal, loving, stubborn, and an-awesome-dancer (played the hyphenated-word card)
  2. What keeps you awake at night?     wondering about the future and replaying the past
  3. If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be and why?    my sister. I think it would be cool to experience what motherhood feels like – but just for the day. : )
  4. What are you wearing now?     yoga clothes
  5. What scares you?     big, hairy, horrible Aussie spiders
  6. What is the best and worst thing about blogging?     LOVE getting my thoughts down on the page. HATE that I don’t have time to read all the other amazing blogs out there.
  7. What was the last website you looked at?     Indeed.com
  8. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?     I would like to focus more on living in the present.
  9. Slankets – yes or no?    No. They are the death of human dignity.
  10. Travelling alone or with someone?    With Ben – always.